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Just Another Post Posted by Rashid on Thursday, July 02, 2009 0 Comments

Got busy. Oh well, intentionally became busy.. thinking that I might forget about what I feel if my mind is so occupied.

I got busy but not with games this time. Busy meeting some Ozine friends, busy chatting and meeting people online, and busy looking for things that will help myself financially.

Yep, somehow I'm back to my goal.. financial freedom! harharhar.. but still it will take time.. because of the fact that i don't wanna accept workloads here at home.. It will surely take some time to reach my goal.

I don't really have a lot to post now. and this is the end of this post.

Labels: Personal

Limited Posted by Rashid on Friday, June 26, 2009 0 Comments

Do I have to be limited to what I'm supposed to be talking about? Of what I wanted to tell and what I feel about..?

See, I can't really start a post now thinking that I might be saying something which isn't supposed to be seen in here anymore.. dang!

its so hard to be the empath type of person.. there!

Labels: Personal

OTAKU TAIIKI UPDATE Posted by Rashid on Thursday, June 25, 2009 0 Comments

OTAKU TAIIKI UPDATE

THE JULY 4 DATE WAS POSTPONED AND WILL BE MOVED TO A LATER DATE.. PLEASE WAIT FOR FURTHER ANNOUNCEMENTS.. THANKS!

Please see http://www.otakuzine-mag.com/ for future updates.

Otaku Taiiki at SM Megatrade Hall 3! Another anime event brought to you by the cool makers of Ozine Fests and Anicon! Be there when it happens! ^^

Labels: Otakuzine

Post Before Bedtime Posted by Rashid on Wednesday, June 24, 2009 2 Comments

"Things change as we grow older... Feelings, emotions, everything about us. But there are certain things that can never be forgotten nor change. Like how we feel about someone. Maybe for others its easy to just move on and let go. As for me, its a little harder. deattaching yourself from someone who has been a part of your life for years? areyoukiddinme?!?! ofcourse its hard. But I am so trying. And so far I have. i feel like a garter. Running away from something as far as i can, and when i thought i'm far enough, a little tug from the other end and there i go flying back to where i started to run..and then i wake up.. back to reality.. the person isn't there anymore.. just me..trapped in my thoughts..and yes, feelings i used to have..still have."

I bumped on to Camille Prats' blog and saw this on one of her posts.. kinda relating.. but no.. it is relating to the kind of situation that I'm having. I guess these lines are right and I agree mostly on the part when she said that it felt like a garter.. its when you thought you've already gotten over it.. that's also the time that you've been pulled back to where you started feeling it.

there's also some more that caught my attention..

"These 2 people i can not imagine my life without. xxxx xxxxx xxxxxxxxxx and xxxxxxx xxxxxxxx xxxxxxxx. We grew up together. Known each other since grade 2. Bestfriends eversince, more than sisters now. No one can understand me better than these 2 people. They fill out the missing pieces of my life, they answer the questions unanswerable to me. We know each other so well that we finish each other's sentences. Often times we communicate non-verbally and understand what each one is trying to say. Unbelievable it is that its actually possible that one can create an extraordinary bond such as that. They are like machines that fixes me when i'm broken, i run to them to get myself fixed, and i come out whole again. fascinating is it?:) we don't get to see each other that much. But we have this certain bond that keeps us together. Like a long unbreakable string attached to each of us. One tug and we're all there. In one place. Our hearts.:)"

I felt kinda sad. Because we were really moving from places to places when I was still younger.. I haven't got a chance to build up a.. childhood bestfriend.. All I had are those friends which I somehow called bestfriends yet they were only there for just a piece of my lifetime. I mean, yes.. I do value the friendship that I had with them but thinking of just how friendship is.. like someone whom I can run to.. talk to.. to any given time and without hesitations whom I know who knows me well.. I don't think.. I have one.. some of my friends might get offended on this but come on.. let's face it..

Since I'm just starting to make my life stable here.. I think its not yet too late for me to have one right? It might doesn't mean that you must be a childhood friend but as long as you're getting constants updates from each other.. maybe that's it.

Just coming to think of it.. people whom I know that I have updates on what's going on with them.. hmm.. there are just a few of them... O.O Does this makes me unfriendly?!

Well, it goes like this.. If you're a friend, I can tell you anything about me.. my past, present and what on my mind about how I see the future, things like what's up with me, what I'm going through, where I've been and stuffs like that.. when I do this.. I don't really expect for that someone to give reply by telling their own stories.. besides its up to them if its on their personality to speak up about things like that to a person like me. As long as I know they are fine.. I'm good with that.. simple as that.

Anyways.. maybe I'm just missing a lot of friends now.. i felt alone for some time now and all I can tell stories with are these friends from Ozine whom I'm with every time there are bottles needed to be flipped around and here.. this blog.

I almost lost some posts and even this all.. Maybe I had become so selfish for only focusing on what I feel.. If all of my previous posts became so hurting.. I'm just writing this according to what my heart is feeling.. I just want to make things clear.. I'm not writing here to gain sympathy.. I'm doing this to let loose of the heavy emotional loads that I'm having.. but it seemed like things went too loose that people began thinking of who did right and who was wrong. Everything here are just a part of the whole story.. If these posts moved you, it doesn't really mean that I haven't done anything wrong.. the thing is.. I'm like this because of my own fault.. Please.. just let things be.. things will just be fine soon.. in time..

Labels: Personal

A Lot To Update! Posted by Rashid on Monday, June 22, 2009 3 Comments

And I've becoming so busy online lately.. (less the $$$ though)

I've been on my FACEBOOK, PLURK, MULTIPLY and I'm also now on TWITTER and somehow visiting my FRIENDSTER again.

I am even now playing two.. yes 2 online games.. Ragnarok and Dragonica! Currently, my Blacksmith on RO is at level 91.. then my Archer on Dragonica at level 18.. I just hope to have a lot of time playing both.. >.<

Oh yeah, I was with the team nomnom pipz last Saturday Night to chill out even though my nose is really running so bad.. It isn't some sign of AH1N1 ok? just some common colds.. We first went to our fave spot for a round then transferred to Watering Hole to use fafa Ken's card! woohooo~! Another thanks for that! Some pics can be viewed on my Multiply, Photo Page.

BTW WAY WE HAVE AN EVENT! PROMOTION TIME!



Got bored on your first days of coming back to school? Have you been wanting to attend again an Anime & Gaming Event like what you've been doing last summer? Thinking of an early break because of the stress that your school and work is giving you?

If you can't wait for the next Ozine Fest to come and if you really want these slow paced months pass by so fast for you to attend Anicon then there's no need for you to rush because July 4 is the day that you've been waiting for!

The cool makers of Ozine Fests and Anicon had come up of another Anime & Gaming Event that will surely catch your full attention!

Yes! Otaku Taiiki! And this is really the place for all Otakus and Gamer Addicts!

If you enjoyed the activities you played on our Matsuri on our previous events, expect it to be double and tripled even more since we are giving you a lot more bigger area for cool and fun activities like you've been into a real Anime Festival!

So if you've got nothing to do on July 4, 2009, Saturday, why not come and feel the fun at SM Megatrade Hall 3 on SM Megamall!

Punta na kayoo! Gimik natin to!! Orayt? XD

So.. Again.. everytime I'm planning to make an update on this blog.. I mean the whole repackaging.. It always takes me a month or even more for the changes to be seen! Right? and now, I was thinking to update this and make a new one for all those online things that's keeping me busy lately..

Somehow I decided to make use of krabi as part of may new domain name.. is www.krabii.net enough? owww.. this really is making me think so much.. And then Dale already used the supposed to be layout of my supposed to be new blog.. wohohoho! I think I really have to do this quick to prevent instances like this again,.. hahahah!

hmmm.. you're expecting for another heart-breaking post? I think I've gotten so enough of those.. though I somehow realized now that the world is so too damn small.. you can't really pick people whom you wanna see, right? yes, it saddened me.. I was actually surprised and shocked to the point that I really don't know what to do.. I couldn't even wear a mask to cover myself up.. I head straight up thinking that I think there's no need for me to be introduced.. I dunno how he's going to be telling her who had I become to his life.. Am I just a friend, an officemate.. an ex-housemate, or his ex-lover.. Or is there still a need for her to know me personally? Damn.. but for the sake of the happiness of the group.. I'll try to be more cooperative to maintain and bring back those happiness that we had before things became so messed up between us.. But hey, its easier said than being done right.. Give me time.. I'm getting this positive thinking again and I just need some time to do this on act.. July -- Pheng's Birthday -- is getting near, and August -- the trip -- is even coming. I don't want to be this someone who's so hard to invite now. I know it'll be hard.. and hurting at the same time.. but.. I don't really wanna loose them now because of all this things right? I wanna go back with them.. And I really have to admit this.. I miss them like hell na.. I miss eating out with them.. going out with them.. darn it.. I don't wanna cry now but its true.. If anyone of you is reading this.. can we go out? Please? Damn.. I mean it.. Let's go out! I'll think about this one again.. sorry..

Labels: Personal

I hope so Posted by Rashid on Thursday, June 18, 2009 1 Comments

Not that it needs to or it has to.. But I hope it would do..

Oh well, Its just me who's making things hard anyways.. so I think the hoping needs to be paired with the "I have to.." line.. so.. Let's see how things will go on from here..

Anyways, I'll go back to sleep.

Labels: Personal

What's Next? Posted by Rashid on Monday, June 15, 2009 2 Comments

The long 3 days for our days off has already reached its end. Tomorrow's gonna be like the usual days of work again. Do I still have to expect something different?

Even though I'm short on my budget, I've decided to buy a replacement for my earphones. Something that will cover my ears to prevent anything that my heart doesn't want to hear anymore. I'll just see to it that my phone's battery doesn't run out of charge on that full 9 hrs of work.

I went out a while ago to buy my meds and some snacks to eat for tonight. On my way home, I decided to drop by at the salon to have my hair done. I dunno if its 2 weeks ago or a month ago when I last went there for a haircut. And the one thing that my friends there noticed in me was the drop that happened to my body. I don't know how to say it but i'm a bit of a chub before. I just can't picture how big my body lost because of not eating anything much plus the thinking a lot and sleeping somehow late before midnight every night. They told me that how I look now doesn't fit me. They even asked if I was hitting the gym because of what they noticed.

Oh well, it shows.. even my body is reacting to what's happening with me. Do I have to resort to taking some vitamins again? I don't think eating will help me now. I only eat to preserve some energy and not to satisfy the taste that the food brings because even my tongue, I think, already gave up on me.

I still can't see what's ahead of me now..

Anyways, thanks to Guild Master Dex for somehow worrying about me and to the rest of the guild members who are on a lot of things right now. I hope to see all of our guildmates again soon!

So there, it started raining again.. I hope to wake up early for tomorrow.. Just wish me luck for this another daily 9 hours for 5 days of this week.

Labels: Personal

Memories Posted by Rashid on Monday, June 15, 2009 0 Comments

After what I had on my previous post.. I think, something is really going to change.

I dunno how to assess myself anymore. As I can see it now, I'm still trapped with my past as if everything just happened yesterday which makes the feeling still fresh and I think I am really loosing part of my identity.

I don't know how to act or even face everything now. I know, all of these happenings now are all my fault. Unconsciously, I am making things hard for me which makes me the only one being hurt in the end.

I'm surprised to know that until now, the message that I made last July 7 last year is still saved on my phone. It was the I think the day before I was single again.

"An end into something must not be taken literally..
Behind that word lies something deeper.
It is something to hold on..
It is something that will make you feel that you're still alive.
It may be hard to start life again..
But this will be the measure of how tough you had become.
An end is just a beginning of something new.
Maybe its time to make a new chapter.."

But look at me now, for almost a year now, had I become any tougher? Had I even started making a new chapter? As clearly as you can see now, answer to both questions is a big NO!

I'm too weak to face the truth and to move forth. Still, deep down I'm expecting.. shocked that things really went like this.. and still hurting..

Now, after being silent to what I really feel.. this is me without the mask. I posted this not to ask for sympathy. Some of you may even think that its too much for me to react over such things that was already been ended long ago. I can't blame you, that's what you think. But you can't also blame me coz none of you understands what I've been going through.

Things can't be reverted back now, I know. But the future for me is still blurry. I'm afraid that I might end up with someone whom I'll just be hurting in the end. I'm afraid that i may not be able to give what's needed on a relationship by then.

I know that I should just have to be happy that things happened. I still can remember the first Red Ribbon Cake that he brought me with these two stuffed toys that we named Churi and Choko and was later on been joined with Cholo. On how he really liked this Mango Cake that he is always buying. The quick kiss on the stairs, on our way to Chowking and while at a tricycle. On how we choose what gifts to give to his pamangkin, ate and his mom. The pair of shoes that he gave me when my shoes wore off. The times when we are playing with Terdy. Doing cross stitches together even though until now I haven't finished my small piece yet. On how he was washing my clothes every weekend that sometimes makes his mood go bad. On how we plan for the next week's expenses even though there's nothing left for us to spend. On how we lend each other's strength in times of having problems. The shirt that he and Terdy gave me on my birthday even though I didn't really noticed right away that it was already hanging in front of me. When we go out to check some Polos on sale. On how he became good on cooking his Adobo. On how he promised me that he will take care of me no matter what. Those warm hugs that he's always ready to offer when there's a lot of tears that I need to cry out. On how he gets mad on things that are at mess and not properly cleaned. The phrase.. "Mi" that I always hear from him and "Di" as I call him. On how we both decided to get a phone on plan. On how the song "More than words" became part of us. The happiness that I felt after that Out of Town trip. On how I say thank you whenever I feel like lazy washing the dishes. On how he has to clean my nails whenever that he does. On how he always want to sleep on the bed on the floor. On how I am feeling secure whenever he's there. On how we eat pancit canton together and the Gardenia bread that is always on stock.

All of these and a lot more that I can still remember.. are not anymore to happen again. That's why I decided to post it here, atleast I can always remember these memories the time when I'm about to forget. Remembering all these can really still make me cry. I hate it but I really have to accept that all these already ended almost a year ago.

Labels: Personal

Some Effin Post Posted by Rashid on Friday, June 12, 2009 0 Comments

Maybe they are just really a bunch of so insensitive people!

I can't blame them if they are so damn happy for that person having a very cool love story now but hey.. can you just even give me some piece of your sensitivity or even just that smallest piece of consideration that I AM JUST AROUND THE CORNER?!

I know that its almost been a year but yes, life still sux! and this I think will still continue even more! Sorry if this happened to be my loooongest time of moving on compared to the other relationships that I had.

But can you blame me if this happened to be the case?! I had really been hoping for me not hear such things whenever I'm at the office, but how can I just prevent my ears from hearing and stopping my heart to not absorb all of it!? I know, that may sound selfish. But can you just let me be selfish for just that one thing?!

You know why its hard for me?! Can you really say that people can understand why I'm still like this!? Do you know that what I am feeling now is that like I'm being cursed to see things that will be hurting me a lot?!

Its like, yes I know what happened but please, don't make me remind of it over and over again! Because even those most little things can hurt a lot also!

Things like: Was that all I got compared to what is being given to that other person now?! Just the thought of how he can tell to the world that he's with this girl just make me feel that I didn't deserve something like that. Does this have to be the way how life can tell me that I am only to be given this much? I know that I am still accepting some help from him and I'm thankful yet so ashamed of that but should that mean that I have to feel the pain every time I accept one? Does things have to be so unfair this way!?

Yes, I had been reminded a million times that things between us will not last forever, I remember that. But how I understand that was something like a matter of life and death, that if I die one day, then that's the end of it. Sometimes you can't just take it away from me not to expect much from the person that I love. But how I see it now, now that you can even tell me straight into my face that you don't ever want to loose that girl just make me think that I am so easy to let go! Or was I the one who made it easy for you to go right in and out into my life?!

I am now even thinking of how he can now exert a lot of effort for that girl. I know that we almost lived together for a year, but just for the sake of remembering.. did we even had a time to watch a movie together as us being alone?! As far as I can recall we've been to a cinema but we were there with the whole group.

We went out, had dinner at this kinda fine dining. I was even happy coz he also brought my other two siblings there the second time we went there. That somehow counts but just to think of that whole year and some months, somehow I expected to have even more and not just the usual malling to buy stuff at the supermarket of go window shopping.

I know that these are just so small rants to base from. But this are just the small things that keep on hurting me seeing that he can give a lot of more than just that to a girl and not to me.

I do believe that you did loved me back also and that you don't intend to hurt me because of what's happening but I think I just have to bear with this all, you can continue loving, don't mind me getting hurt.

Maybe things will just be changing from here on depending on how situations will be going. You guys may continue inviting me again and again and again, but don't blame me if you'll get tired of receiving a NO for an answer.

Its still hard for me to accept things, but still I'm hoping for things to get better between the all of us. But for now I think I'm better off alone.

I still have friends that I can go to every night when I feel like I need to drink it all up and I don't give a damn If I go home very drunk.. Maybe time will come that I will be returning to you guys, but that time can only be when you guys already know how to give me those piece of sensitivity that I'm asking.

--

Readers:
This is now I think the start of a more personal blog posts.. so.. expect to see some changes on this blog soon.. Hopefully I can bring up some new blog where in you can read some light stuff like me playing online games, and things I've been doing online and stuff so that somehow you can get away from these kinds of so emoish posts that I've been posting here.

Labels: Personal

Updating Life Posted by Rashid on Thursday, June 11, 2009 0 Comments

I think I'm beginning to feel outdated already. There were a lot of things that I am not doing anymore, one of these are accepting those online jobs.

Having these sidelines became a topic with my office mates.. Well, glad to hear that other than them talking about all those love stories that they are currently having, where in I obviously don't want to mix in, they somehow made a different talk about earning extra.

Yeah, I've been having a hard time now talking to them. Anyways, this is a piece of another story, let's just talk about it later or on my next posts.

They learned that oDesk is giving its providers a lot of bucks just by doing some assignments. I am a member of the site but haven't earned a single cent yet. I just don't want to idea of the hourly basis or the fact that I have to allocate hours for another work while I'm at home.

But things on my head started to change. Yes, my team mates ask me to "hunt" for some team project over oDesk but what really made me think of being active on this kind of field is because of the fact that I'm playing Ragnarok.

Being a merchie/merchant turned blacksmith on the game.. I learned a lot on how to deal with things financially. Since being a merchie requires some financial skills to get rich, I learned that to be rich, you really have to do something about it. I learned that I can do a better way than just the usual leveling up of my character. Why not level my character with those monster that will give me tons of loots so that it would turn out to be hitting 2 birds with one stone. Level up while gathering loots to be rich!

Its just like, I have a steady job, but I shouldn't be satisfied with that alone if I know I can do better. That's why somehow I have to bring back the urge of me to accept little tasks again and to "hunt" some jobs.

I know, I've become idle because of what happened to me back then, and I almost made playing a way of my resentment, to forget and to move on. Somehow, little by little, I want to bring back this kind of me.

I am now preparing some to-do list for me to accomplish before getting back to the online job search. I have to reconstruct this blog, finalize my new site, gather back my links, tell the world that Rashid Online still exist.

By then I think things will run again smoothly, I'm hoping so.

Labels: Personal